The Cross Is the Measure

When Paul addresses husbands in Ephesians 5, he doesn't say what many men secretly hope he'll say.

He doesn't say, "Husbands, rule your wives." He doesn't say, "Husbands, make sure everyone knows who's in charge." He doesn't say, "Husbands, you have the final word, so use it."

He says: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her."

The standard for a husband's love is the cross. Not cultural norms. Not what your father modeled. Not what feels natural. The cross.

And the cross doesn't look like dominance. It looks like sacrifice.

There are two errors men tend to fall into here, and they couldn't be more different from each other.

The first is tyranny — hearing the word "headship" and concluding it means you get to be the boss. You make the decisions. You have the final word. You get to be served. This is not biblical headship. It is secular power dressed up in religious language, and it makes Christ look like an oppressor.

The second is passivity — so afraid of the first error that men abdicate altogether. They don't lead, don't decide, don't take responsibility. Their wives carry the weight while they coast. This too misrepresents Christ, because Christ is not passive about His Bride.

The biblical picture is sacrificial headship — a third way that the world doesn't offer and the flesh doesn't produce naturally.

Look at how Paul defines headship in verse 23: "For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body." Christ's headship is expressed in rescue. His authority is exercised through sacrifice. He leads not by demanding service, but by rendering it. He Himself said, "The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many" (Mark 10:45).

If the Son of God came to serve, what business does any husband have demanding to be served in his own home?

Richard Baxter captured the balance precisely: "Love must not be exercised so imprudently as to destroy the exercise of authority; and authority must not be exercised over a wife so magisterially and imperiously, as to destroy the exercise of love." Love without leadership is abandonment. Leadership without love is tyranny. Christ's headship holds them together.

Notice what Paul says Christ's purpose is for the Church in verses 26–27: sanctification. He is working to present His Bride "holy and without blemish." His love is not passive or sentimental — it is purposeful. It is aimed at her holiness.

This gives husbands a diagnostic question worth sitting with: Is your wife more godly because she married you, or less?Are you leading her toward Christ? Are you nourishing her soul with the Word? Or have you been so focused on your career, your hobbies, your own spiritual consumption that her growth has been left entirely to her own effort?

Paul uses two Greek words in verses 28–29 that paint a vivid picture. The first is ektrepho — nourishes — which means to feed, to bring to maturity, to provide what is needed for growth. The second is thalpo — cherishes — which literally means to warm, to soften, to tenderly care for.

Is that how you treat your wife? Do you nourish her — invest in her flourishing, support her growth, meet her needs? Do you cherish her — treat her with warmth, tenderness, and genuine affection? Or has she become an afterthought, someone who keeps the household running while you pursue what matters to you?

Peter raises the stakes considerably in 1 Peter 3:7. He warns that if a husband dishonors his wife, his prayers will be hindered. Your relationship with God is directly connected to how you treat her.

Headship is not a privilege to exploit. It is a responsibility to bear. It means you take the weight of final accountability. It means when things go wrong, you don't look for someone to blame. It means you lead from the front, not push from behind.

And it means, above everything else, that the cross is the measure. Not your preferences. Not your mood. The cross.